


Excerpts From the Sekrit Dairy of Ianto Jones

by Sulla



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Adult Content, Crack, Humor, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-04-08
Updated: 2010-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-08 19:09:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/78639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sulla/pseuds/Sulla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title: Excerpts From the Sekrit Diary of Ianto Jones<br/>Fandom: Torchwood<br/>Author: Sulla<br/>Rating: R<br/>Length: 500 words...ish?<br/>Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Jack/Gwen/Ianto if you squint.<br/>Warnings: slash content, not terribly explicit though. Sad attempts at humour. Small spoiler for Adam (2X05).<br/>Summary: A few excerpts taken at random from Ianto's diary. <br/>Disclaimer: I own nothing, am making nothing. Look to the BBC for that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Excerpts from The Sekrit Diary of Ianto Jones  
_______________________________

 

**November XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Black Prada, pink shirt, black tie w/silver spots. To do: have drycleaned, some of those spots are new additions.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: No.

**Alien Contact**: 3 captured. One artifact of unknown usage recovered and archived.

**Rift Activity**: Minimal.

**Cleaned**: boardroom, greenhouse, pantry, team workstations, Jack's office. The last took three times as long as all the others combined, because Jack wanted to "help". Told him that is not even close to where I keep the Lysol wipes, but he would not be deterred from checking thoroughly for himself.

**Restocked**: green tea, envelopes, lube. Low on coffee and paperclips.

**Notes**: Received new brochures today for the tourist information office. Very pretty, but missing that extra touch. Took it upon myself, added informational leaflet - "Mr. Prostate - Why He's Man's Best Friend", complete with easy-to-follow diagrams - to the centre of each brochure. Must be sure to take screencaptures of reactions from CCTV footage.

 

*****

 

**January XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Grey Armani, blue shirt, grey striped tie.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: Yes, but only for three hours, then contained.

**Alien Contact**: 1 destroyed, 1 captured.

**Rift Activity**: Moderate.

**Cleaned**: N/A

**Restocked**: N/A

**Notes**: Jack died today. Number 12 and counting since I've been at Torchwood 3. Never gets any easier to see. After-party great as always; apparently nothing better for a man's libido than resurrection. I Impersonated a pretzel once again, but well worth it as usual.

 

*****

 

**February XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Ralph Lauren black, purple shirt, black tie.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: 5% possibility, within acceptable range.

**Alien Contact**: 1 captured (Weevil).

**Rift Activity**: Minimal.

**Cleaned**: Vault, Autopsy Bay, Owen and Toshiko's workstations, Jack's hole.

**Restocked**: Syringes, Latex gloves, memo pads, sugar, milk, condoms.

**Notes**: Suspect Gwen has crush on Jack. Suspect Jack reciprocates. Suspect that would be hot, hope am invited to join in. Argentinian tourist on the make in the tourist office earlier. Would not take no for an answer. Suspect Jack is part caveman, suspect Argentinian tourist has moderate concussion. Suspect Jack likes Angry!Possessive!sex, as was subsequently pounded six ways from Sunday against the shop door. Suspect old women walking by got an eyeful. Could have sworn one of them was watching us and pointing at her Cardiff tourist brochure to her friends.

 

*****

 

**April XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Birthday suit.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: World? No. Brain? Yes.

**Alien Contact**: N/A

**Rift Activity**: Nil

**Cleaned**: Jack.

**Restocked**: Jack.

**Notes**: Rift quiet today; Jack told everyone to stay home - except self, having stayed in his hole all night. Before he woke up this morning I decided to check what I suspected. My tape measure must be broken. Not humanly possible. Well, it always FELT... but it must be broken. Yes.

Barely have time to make this entry before he returns. Situation with Gwen has cleared. She won't give up Rhys, and Rhys isn't keen on Man on Man on Woman on Man sex, so it's a no go. However, Jack has asked how I'd like a little maid's outfit for my birthday. Unsure as to how to respond.

*****


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title: Excerpts From the Sekrit Diary of Ianto Jones - Part 2  
> Fandom: Torchwood  
> Author: Sulla  
> Rating: Maybe NC-17 this time? Just barely.  
> Length: 500 words or so.  
> Pairing: Jack/Ianto  
> Warnings: slash content, slightly more explicit. A few more attempts at humour. **Spoilers for Adam (2X05)**.  
> Summary: A few more excerpts taken at random from Ianto's diary. You don't have to read the first batch of excerpts to understand this at all, but there is one small reference to one of the entries in this batch.  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing, am making nothing. Look to the BBC for that.

**April XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Black on black Prada.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: 95% probability. However, armageddon averted before tea.

**Alien Contact**: 32 time-displaced ancient Greek men and youths.

**Rift Activity**: Moderate to severe.

**Structural damage**: ceiling collapse in greenhouse - result of riftquake.

**Cleaned**: Vaults, pantry, interrogation cells, containment cells.

**Restocked**: Lube. Air freshener. Low on milk and again on lube - see notes for details. Must inquire on purchasing industrial-sized portions.

**Notes**: Rift activity apparently result of temporal ripples from event earlier in Cardiff timeline, possibly dating back to late 17th century. Imminent destruction tending as usual to bring out the worst in Owen. Must once again scrub brain after yet another proposition of end-of-the-world orgy. Must remember to give Jack a good swift kick for seriously considering idea. Ancient Greeks seem to have same instinct - at peak of rift activity, Hub resembled back room of a gay nightclub. Upon successful closing of rift, was frogmarched by Jack into his office, bent over desk, shagged so thoroughly will not walk straight for days. Running out of excuses to rest of the team for bow-legged gait, suspect claim of weekend bull-riding was not believed.

 

*****

 

**May XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Day - Baroni black pinstriped, orange shirt, solid black tie. Evening - French maid's outfit.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: No.

**Alien Contact**: 1 destroyed. 1 oddly-shaped artifact of alien or futuristic origin. Artifact indexed and filed for further investigation.

**Rift Activity**: Minimal.

**Cleaned**: Team workstations, Janet's cell, Jack's office, boardroom. Special attention paid to Jack's hole - see notes.

**Restocked**: N/A

**Notes**: Found gift-wrapped package in tourist office with instructions to don the contents upon end of workday and to report to Jack's office. Found panties extremely chaffing, feather duster induces sneezing, but am feeling oh so pretty and gay. Presented self to Jack - found him hard at work, then again, have never found him to be flaccid at work, so no change there. Dusted Jack's prize possessions, was rewarded with salty goodness, but in messy form - must get maid's outfit drycleaned, or outfit will match silver-spotted tie. Jack will foot bill, if he knows what's good for him.

 

*****

 

**May XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Black Armani, blue shirt, blue and black striped tie.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: Personal world, yes. Physical world, no.

**Alien Contact**: 1 destroyed.

**Rift Activity**: Minimal

**Cleaned**: Tourist information centre, access tunnels, WC.

**Restocked**: A4 paper, toner cartridges, biscuits, chocolate body paint.

**Notes**: Relief - am not serial killer. Mortification - Jack found and read this diary. Considering burning diary, quitting job, running away and joining Navy. As it is reportedly all about rum, sodomy and the lash, feel am extraordinarily qualified for the job. However, as do not want to trade one gorgeous Captain for another of dubious appearance and quality and skills, will attempt to stick it out... and of course let him stick it in. One day it will be my turn. Really, I'm sure it will.

 

*****

 

**June XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Giorgio Valentini grey, red shirt, red and grey tie.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: Yes. Disaster averted before damage incurred this time.

**Alien Contact**: 2 captured (Weevil pair).

**Rift Activity**: Nil, but it was a near thing.

**Cleaned**: N/A

**Restocked**: N/A

**Notes**: Am still in shock. After extensive research into possible alien or futuristic origins of artifact found and archived on May XX, 200X, Jack came to conclusion that it was simply a sex toy from the 46th century, which he had seen before. Namely a buttplug. After sending others out on various duties, yours truly was fitted with said buttplug, after a thorough pounding, Jack having decided he wanted to 'keep himself inside' of me for the night, thereby having me wet and ready for the next time. Which knowing him would have been fifteen minutes at the outside.

HOWEVER.

Upon inserting and then locking the mechanism, we discovered that this was not a futuristic buttplug but rather a futuristic vortex manipulator.

I have no words.

After stopping the rift from opening THROUGH MY ARSE, Jack had the decency to apologize, and has spent the last six hours holding me. I have finally stopped shaking like a little girl long enough for him to make a run to the WC.

I'm asking for a pay raise when he gets back.

 

*****


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title: Excerpts From the Sekrit Diary of Ianto Jones - #3  
> Fandom: Torchwood  
> Author:   
> Rating: Maybe NC-17 this time? Just barely.  
> Length: 500 words or so.  
> Pairing: Jack/Ianto  
> Warnings: slash content, not terribly explicit. A few more attempts at humour. **Tiny spoiler for Reset (2X06)**.  
> Summary: A few more excerpts taken at random from Ianto's diary. You don't have to read the first or second batch of excerpts to understand this at all, but there is one small reference to one of the entries in this batch.  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing, am making nothing. Look to the BBC for that.  
> Author's note: I don't know how I'd ever be able to top the vortex manipulator from #2, so please don't expect it. I hope these ones are at least moderately funny though :) Also, thanks to my buddy for restocked ideas!

**June XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Claudio Morelli black double-breasted, pink shirt, solid silver tie.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: No.

**Alien Contact**: Nil

**Rift Activity**: Nil.

**Cleaned**: Vaults, WC, team workstations, kitchen, interrogation cells, containment cells, hallways and access lift, Jack's office, boardroom, greenhouse, tourist info centre, Janet, Myfanwy, subetheric resonator

**Restocked**: Coffee, soap, tissue paper supplies, team hair products.

**Notes**: Jack away at UNIT conference for two days now, leaving Gwen in charge. Everything quiet, have been on cleaning binge to distract self. Fell asleep in Hub after said binge, only to awake to find self humping Jack's RAF greatcoat. Unfortunately woke too late to do anything to stop the inevitable result; had to smuggle coat out of Hub to have it drycleaned. Endured suggestive comments yet again from drycleaning staff about my frequent visits there to have suspicious stains removed. Considering employing retcon next time.

 

*****

 

**June XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Ralph Lauren grey, charcol shirt, grey tie.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: 5% probability, within acceptable limits.

**Alien Contact**: 1 captured (weevil)

**Rift Activity**: minimal

**Cleaned**: autopsy bay, containment cells.

**Restocked**: Weevil spray, weevil kibble, weevil chew toys, weevil pooper scooper bags.

**Notes**: Relatively uneventful during day. Kept busy during long day making suggestive hand motions to passing tourists. Certainly does keep them away.

Jack returned from UNIT conference around 7pm. Was only person at Hub when he arrived, so did not resist humping his leg when he appeared. In short order found self splayed face down on the boardroom table with trousers around ankles. However, in the excitement of Jack's return, forgot that while Jack was away and she was in charge, the CCTV live feed had been set to be relayed to Gwen's apartment. Upon our completion of round one, a disembodied voice emerged from the speakers which suggested that while she had very much enjoyed the show, we may ourselves wish to disengage the boardroom camera. So very nice of her to wait until we were done that round to let us know. As Jack growled irritably above me the last I heard from Casa de Gwen was Rhys' amused voice in the background, "Oi, Jack! Those were some grade-A prime moves there!" Reunion was adjourned to Jacks hole.

 

*****

 

**July XX, 200X**

**Attire**: The red flush of embarrassment.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: Only my own, thanks.

**Alien Contact**: large metal object indexed and archived

**Rift Activity**: Nil

**Cleaned**: team workstations, kitchen, WC. Disaster that is archival room to be cleaned next.

**Restocked**: basic medical supplies, chloral hydrate, amoxacillin

**Notes**: Finally given a chance to stick it to Jack. Unmitigated disaster. Was indexing today's alien artifact when Jack appeared. Amorous comments ensued, sex was had on archival table. However, used wrong substance as lube, and eventually found self glued to Jack's arse. Glued IN Jack's arse. In struggle to separate ourselves, table breaks, crashes to floor, and teammates come running. NOTHING more embarrassing than being caught glued into your boss's rear end. Luckily Owen had gloop that effectively changes the properties of the glue, and am left sitting naked and mortified on the floor of the archives. How will I face rest of team? Somehow Jack the least affected by this - just smiled and joked through the whole thing. Think will let him stick to topping from now on.

 

*****

 

**September XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Black Armani, red shirt, red and black tie, little red UNIT cap.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: Was 99%, now 0.2%

**Alien Contact**: 2 destroyed, 1 captured.

**Rift Activity**: minimal

**Cleaned**: N/A

**Restocked**: N/A

**Notes**: Insanity today. World almost destroyed, but Tosh's quick thinking saved the day. Odd type of alien: very like Greek myth of Medusa, but one only turns to stone if one were to see the alien's genitalia. Aliens flashed their way onto military base, turning soldiers to stone hither and yon, running for hidden missile silos. Jack shot them just in time. No adrenaline rush like the probable-nuclear-winter adrenaline rush.

Came back to Hub to find an unmarked package on desk at tourist centre, containing a red cap, like those that UNIT wear. No return address, no note. Decided it went well with today's attire, so donned cap. Said goodnight to team, but when arrived at Jack's office, was pinned by rather animalistic stare. Stared at hat, stared at me. Stared at hat again, stared at me. Promptly found self dragged down Jack's hole - without even a pause to shut the office door - then bent in half and buggered most joyfully. Only slightly mortified by Owen's "Oi, keep it down in there, some of us are trying to work!".

Must remember to wear cap next time he wants me to do inventory.

 

*****


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few more excerpts taken at random from Ianto's diary. You don't have to read the first, second or third batch of excerpts to understand this at all, but there are small references to previous entries here and there.

Excerpts From the Sekrit Diary of Ianto Jones - #4  
_________________________________

 

**September XX, 200X - AKA D-Day**

**Attire**: Day - Joseph Abboud grey tick, orange shirt, silver and black striped tie. Evening - indigo Hugo Boss Arod Jumper and jeans.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: Not as such.

**Alien Contact**: Nil

**Rift Activity**: Nil.

**Cleaned**: Organized office supplies successively in order of use, size, cost, color and substance. Then over again from scratch.

**Restocked**: Tea, sugar (cubed), Weevil home pregnancy test, retcon. Low on milk.

**Notes**: Quiet day on the job. Jack doing paperwork and making chastising calls to MI5 and CIA. Sick of watching Owen surf online for porn while Tosh and Gwen discuss Janet's upcoming nuptials to Kristof. Weevil romance fails to captivate. Was stressing over impending date with Jack, so whiled away remaining hours photocopying arse and other bits, mailing them to various city council members with Owen's flat as the return address.

With 7pm came Jack to my flat. Was presented with box of chocolates (penis-shaped), bottle of wine (Montrachet 1978), and within two minutes and 35 seconds, a handful of come. Jack received my own gift to him of the same in a considerably better time, after which point we disembarked for the restaurant (Signor Valentino's). Negotiations were in the offing on the walk there; agreed to keep date as 'innocent' as possible, to 'get to know each other better'. Made it as far as appetizers; discussion came round to today's use of photocopier and shortly found self escorted to restroom on Jack's arm. Posh businessman ejected, door locked and vigorous counter-top sex had. Were ourselves ejected for noise pollution. Decided to call it an early night, followed Jack back to the Hub, and am spending the night in his hole. Really, his hole is the only place to be - must be sure to clean it tomorrow.

 

*****

 

**October XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Black Prada, red shirt, simple black tie.

**World in Danger of Imploding**: 9.4% - keeping a close eye on it.

**Alien Contact**: 1 captured and returned through the rift to own time/place. 3 suspicious metal artifacts indexed and archived.

**Rift Activity**: Moderate, but closely monitored.

**Cleaned**: Jack.

**Restocked**: Hair gel, laundry detergent, lube.

**Notes**: Brought Jack home to meet the parents tonight. They had been hinting at wanted to meet my 'significant other' for some time. I denied any serious involvement, but to no avail: as they put it, "we've not seen you this happy since you visited from London three years ago, we know you're in love, please let us meet her". Decided not to disabuse them of the notion that my current squeeze is female. They would find out for themselves soon enough.

Now not sure if whole event was sweeping success or utter disaster. Jack hit on mother, groped father. Parents were simultaneously charmed and horrified. After dinner pretty much had to beat Jack away with a stick when he followed me to the WC and tried to initiate our usual 8-times-a-day shenanigans. Jack may have loosened me up a bit sexually, but I still don't care for a shag three feet from my parents.

Have returned to flat and am now in kitchen writing entry. Jack sprawled inanimate in bedroom after buggering me senseless just inside front door.

Looking back, think it might have been a mistake to wear UNIT cap tonight.

 

*****

 

**October XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Grey Armani, black shirt, grey tie.

**World in Danger of Imploding** Once again, just personal world.

**Alien Contact**: Artifact of unknown synthetic material discovered in bay. Indexed and archived for further analysis.

**Rift Activity**: Minimal.

**Cleaned**: Autopsy bay, archives, vaults, containment cells.

**Restocked**: humiliation

**Notes**: Greeted this morning by Owen's overbearing smirk. Called Jack and I together to computer terminal to witness his great find. Appears that Owen, typing in the words "Cardiff gay public sex" into the RedTube search engine, came across a video of Jack and yours truly. Having sex. Gay sex. Gay sex in public. In Cardiff.

Appears that Signor Valentino's Italian Restaurant has CCTV in their toilets. Must admit to wondering exactly why Owen would be typing in those particular keywords, but that is a thought to dwell on another night, when I am not dying of mortification.

For am indeed mortified. Owen played video back. It's awful - you can absolutely 100% tell that it's us - our faces are plain as day. Now know why we were kicked out for noise pollution. I'm howling like a cat in heat, Jack's grunting and puffing like a rutting bull. We're both sweating like stuck pigs, and now I'm running out of similes like... someone running out of similes. Yes, I'm mortified. But Jack... Jack's laughing. Couldn't care less. God, what I wouldn't give to have that kind of confidence.

 

*****

 

**November XX, 200X**

**Attire**: Waterlogged jeans and red Calvin Klein Jumper.

**World in Danger of Imploding** Yes, but now is not.

**Alien Contact**: 842 angry rampaging squid.

**Rift Activity**: Insane.

**Cleaned**: N/A -- To be cleaned: EVERYTHING.

**Restocked**: N/A -- To be restocked: squid bait.

**Notes**: Rampaging alien squid. _Sentient_ rampaging alien squid. How Jack deals with situations like this with such aplomb I will never know. But he does, and once again it's after-party time! Since Hub is such a mess, have decided that after going to the pub with the rest of the team for drinks, will take Jack back to my flat, even though I will miss his hole. First, however, have to stop by parent's place to water plants and feed goldfish, as they're on holiday in Bermuda, I'll take Jack up and show him my childhood room while we're there, too. Will take no more than a couple of minutes, then home to bed!

_later_ \- My god. Is there anything dirtier than being nailed in every possible position in your old bedroom at home? And I... I will never look at stuffed animals the same way again.

*****


End file.
